By Keith Brake
Editor
You’re a high school or college senior, and your athletic career has been ended in one day by COVID-19.
You feel pain.
Well-meaning people – friends, parents – have consoled you, but it doesn’t help.
A couple days go by and you feel different. Not better, but different, then pain returns.
You are grieving, and it’s normal. Not that much is normal these days.
I’ve been hearing about how a lot of young athletes are dealing with this situation. I’m certainly no expert on this, but I have found some useful things.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, is credited with identifying the five stages of grief. They are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression and;
- Acceptance
Author David Kessler recently identified what he says is a sixth stage: Meaning.
A bit about all of the above:
Denial – After the loss of something that was cherished – in this case, school sports and activities – it is normal to deny the reality of the situation. It’s protective and enables us to rationalize strong emotions.
In this stage, life can seem to lose its value. Fortunately, denial is temporary.
Anger – The pain returns. We may start blaming others or things for our new situation. That can cause us to feel guilty, and that can make us more angry. Again, this is normal and part of the process. You will need some time to get through it.
Bargaining – This is an attempt to regain control. We may blame ourselves for not doing all we could to ward off the situation. We might want to make a deal with God (“if you’ll . . . then I’ll. . “) trying to postpone the inevitable and the pain that causes.
Depression – We react to the practical implications of the loss and we’re sad or feel regret. Also, we prepare to bid farewell to the activities we loved but had ripped away from us. Kind words directed our way help at this point. Maybe a hug – but be careful. Social distancing, you know.
Acceptance – Not everyone gets to this one. It’s like a gift. There will be withdrawal and calm. It’s not a happy time, but it’s not depression.
Your interpretation of acceptance is unique to you. You are encouraged to feel your grief as you experience it. It will speed the process of healing.
Here’s a kick – You may not go through the five stages in order.
But, being able to identify the stage you’re in will speed up the process of healing, experts say.
I mentioned a sixth stage, and author David Kessler said it’s the search for meaning. His book, “The Sixth Stage of Grief,” is all about it.
Kessler encourages you to, “Remember those who have died with more love than pain.” For an student-athlete, that might be recalling all of the great moments you had in your sport or activity; all the relationships you built.
Kessler also says, “Move forward in a way that honors your loved ones.” In the case of a sport or activity, there are so many human skills that you learned because you participated.
In a way, you have a new life in an after-sports world. What can you bring with you to help you build?
There is an article on the Iowa High School Athletic Association website I encourage you to read. It’s called, “Unfinished Business: Five Insights When Your Athletic Season is Sidelined by a Pandemic.”
It was written by Christine Pinalto, executive director of Sidelined USA. Presented here are excerpts from that piece. It’s a long online read . . . but right now, you’ve got time . . .
“How was last Wednesday so normal and by Thursday, my whole world up-ended?” she writes.
‘If you are one of these heartbroken athletes, this read is for you.”
“Maybe a new norm seems impossible to engage with right now,” Pinalto writes. “Maybe it feels like you’ve been blocked off from one of the most significant parts of yourself.”
“Maybe you are wondering if it’s OK to feel so devastated when many others are suffering far greater losses like losing their jobs and not knowing how to pay their rent or feed their kids,” she writes.
She writes that her non-profit organization is dedicated to reuniting sidelined athletes with their passions and equipping them to find a meaningful way forward.
So here are her five insights:
First and foremost, you have earned the right to grieve.
“What you lost is significant. It can’t be fixed. It can’t be replaced,” she says.
“It would be great if people understood they don’t have to try to “fix” you and would just listen to your disappointment without feeling the need to interject their limited perspectives and quick dismissals.”
“So, if their well-intentioned words sting, try to let them roll off. Your pain is valid.”
“If you don’t work through the grief, you leave yourself exposed to a slow growth of anger and bitterness, which at some point, is sure to release one way or another.”
Get busy with some mindset work: Self-talk and Identity.
“Reframing, mental toughness, relaxation techniques, imagery, gratefulness, prayer and meditation are all examples of ways one can learn to help manage that inner dialogue,” Pinalto writes.
She says “what-ifs and could-have-beens” are particularly haunting.
She says your mind is “replaying recycled scripts that have no real solutions.”
“This is the time to remember to place your identity in something more solid than your athletic achievements,” she says. “Sports do not equal the sum total of your value.”
“Resilience, being positive, determination, adaptability, sacrifice, passion, and persistence are all traits you can nurture in this trying time,” Pinalto says.
Keep a familiar schedule
“As a dedicated athlete, you are used to a strict routine. Times for practice, class, homework, and meals are generally all set is strong with little room for flexibility.”
“Now that classes are online (or not at all) and your team practices are no longer in person, your routine is completely disrupted.”
“One way you can take back a certain measure of control is to get back to your normal routine as best you can,” she says.
“If you are struggling to find motivation for what’s left without sports, know that this feeling is valid and normal,” says Pinalto. “It may take everything you’ve got to move forward and find the strength to stay focused on your school work. Perhaps if you don’t give up on your physical goals, this will help you stay motivated in academics as well.”
Keep grinding: Stay physical
“The consistent pumping of endorphins through your body (in sports) has contributed to the alteration of your mood,” she says. “Cardio reduces tension, relaxes muscles, and helps release stress.”
“Considering the incredible amount of stressors you are currently experiencing, now is not the time to drop your exercise regimen.”
“You may not have the same access to equipment and coaching, but what can you do to be adaptable and utilize what you can access? We’ve seen a lot of athletes out there posting videos of their modified workouts with sandbags, cement blocks, old tires, etc. This is great – get creative and have fun with it.”
Adapt to find new ways to stay competitive
“Being a competitor isn’t what I do, it’s who I am.”
“If this resonates with you, then by all means, cut your losses, dust yourself off and get back to competition, in some form, in some way,” Pinalto says.
“Set new goals. Maybe they’re physical. Maybe they’re academic. Maybe a whole different context. The important things is to reconnect with the inner competitor in you as quickly as possible.”
She suggests using technology to connect to your teammates and setting up virtual competitions.
So, those are the five. And now . . .
What you’re experiencing is difficult, but all is not lost
“Unfortunately, there is no grit or determination that will change the reality of this sports season ending abruptly. Your plans are thwarted and your dreams are temporarily put on hold. For some of your, your future opportunity in sports is uncertain. These are all difficult realities you will need to contend with.”
“However, your story is not over.”
“Regardless of the status of your athletic career, your journey in life is really just beginning in so many ways. Keep the long game in mind.”
“You are well-prepared to handle adversity, to conquer challenges, and to forge a way forward despite the odds,” Pinalto writes.
“You’re an athlete. Your training has prepared you. And I am confident you will find a way to overcome.”
Disclaimer: These excerpts from the original article, and the original article, are for information purposes only. Neither Sidelined USA nor its affiliates provide clinical or medical care of any kind via their relationship with Sidelined. At no time should a user have an expectation of clinical care or professional services offered or rendered.